“Going through the motions doesn’t please you. A flawless performance means nothing to you. I learned God worship when my pride was shattered." Psalm 51:23 MSG
Growing up in Christianity often made me weary to vulnerability. I was used to the "norms" of a faith-filled life based on my upbringing; so, I grew comfortable, complacent in my idea of God. "He's for my parents so He must be for me."
God wasn't truly my own Father. Lacking an anchor to hold me down, I accepted my brokenness so much that I couldn't imagine moving forward in my faith. Like God could only love me up to a certain point because I would never be "right" in His eyes.
But, true connection happened when I personalized God. When I decided that a relationship with Him was needed for my survival. But that involved surrender, laying down every chain I housed in my heart. It meant going beyond the outlined motions of religion and past the expectation of performing perfect works to get in His grace.
It didn't involve my pastor, my mother, or my father. A band didn't play, and no one came to pray for me. My true relationship with God started on the floor, on my face as I begged for something deeper. It happened in a pit that had once convinced me I would never find a way out. I was shrouded in darkness, awaiting disappointment, but still I sang His name. And when He showed up, He reminded me who I was.
He placed His hand on my back and told me He had never left my side. While I rejected His name, He remained near. When I chose myself, He nailed my sin to His cross. In that moment, in that surrender, my heart shattered but Jesus collected every piece with His grace. I felt like I could finally look up at Him; that my identity as His child was the most salient aspect of my being. When I took that step, let down my guard, opened my soul to God’s heart, I found a Father of my own.
-Farren
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