I have spent my whole life comparing myself to someone else. Being the youngest of five, I allowed a shadow over my head that made me struggle growing up. I still struggle with it today. That shadow fostered a place where I was never able to find myself in a world that was mostly white. I saw myself as not having that olive complexion and wavy hair or whatever else every little girl had when I was growing up. It affected me in ways I didn’t realize, until I was older. I remember telling my mom once that if I was just a little lighter, I could get highlights in my hair like everyone else because of the image I had created in my mind.
When it came to my siblings, I just felt like whatever I did was never gonna match up to them. I wasn’t going to be as smart, as athletic, and carry the big Fontenot name that everyone expected because I was the youngest and they wanted to see what I had to offer instead of just wanting to know me for me. I would put on this mask to fit in with my friends because it was easier to do that than to be myself. Instead of just standing up for what I believed in, I would go along and agree with what everyone was saying so I wouldn’t be looked at differently or treated like an outcast.
And as I was lying in bed the other night, I thought of something my aunt told me after my grandfather passed away. She said “I know you know how proud papa was of you, he told you. But I don’t think you know the pride he had when he would start to talk about you. He loved you more than you realized and he would always say how special you were. He said all of the other kids have their own thing and they are all very talented. But that one, she’s not like the rest, she’s special.” My Papa was right. I didn’t realize it because I spent so much of my life comparing myself to everyone else instead of just being different. Instead of just standing out and being “special”. I never realized the people I had in my corner because I was too busy thinking of what it would be like to be someone else. I was so busy trying not to be the outcast, I got lost.
I never really knew how much I needed to hear that. I never knew how much his words would have such a positive impact on me and my future self. When I’m feeling lost, or like I’m not good enough, whatever it might be, I will remember those words and how proud he was of me and how he thought of me as “special”. I'm thankful that I was able to allow my grandfather's words to link me to a scripture in the bible that my Heavenly Father has used to encourage many of His children.
Join me in studying this scripture, "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works oh God; my soul knows it very well...Psalms 139:14".
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